You've Never Been More Divine
by unoriginalrhombus
Summary: Arizona's reaction to her initial reaction. I suck at summaries, so just read it and you won't be disappointed. Promise. This is the sequel to Allow Me to Exaggerate a Memory or Two. You technically don't have to read that story to understand this one, but it'd be better if you do.


**Title:** You've Never Been More Divine (In Accepting Your Defeat)  
**Author: **Boldpapermate  
**Pairing:** Callie/Arizona  
**Length:** 2,584  
**Rating: **PG-13  
**Spoilers:** Everything through 7x12 (unfortunately).  
**Summary:** Arizona's reaction to her initial reaction. I suck at summaries, so just read it and you won't be disappointed. Promise. This is the sequel to Allow Me to Exaggerate a Memory or Two. You technically don't have to read that story to understand this one, but it'd be better if you do.  
**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but the sadness in this story. The characters and the storyline are all property of Shonda and ABC. If I did own it, they'd be all over each other ALL the time.

Arizona doesn't know much these days.

She's sort of been aimlessly walking through life since the incident in the elevator. She tended to spout curse words without warning or reason. Arizona often burst into tears when she thought no one was looking, she sometimes threw charts, and on one occasion she even threatened Dr. Karev with an _actual brick_.

It wasn't exactly her finest hour or anything.

But most of the time she's pretty harmless. Most days it was just like Arizona was present but never really there. Even with a week of distance between her and the moment that shifted everything so drastically, Arizona didn't feel any better. She doesn't feel like she's gained any insight or factors that'll help her reach a solution. She doesn't feel much of anything.

She doesn't _know_ much of anything.

She's had a lot of time to herself lately. After practically ruining Mark's pretty boy face in the elevator, the Chief decided to give her a short vacation. The great thing about a hospital with so many damn secrets was that he never even bothered to ask her why. In a way, Arizona was thankful for it. It was the only kindness she would be receiving for awhile. Soon enough, Arizona's private life would be as good as gone. Once the news spread about Callie's pregnancy, Arizona would really have no chance of escaping it. The Chief thought a few days off would give Arizona the rest she needed to bounce back to her peppy self. The thing, though, was that she did anything but relax.

There's something sort of calming about devastation.

It was in those three days of vacation that Arizona found out just how calming devastation could be. It was shocking to imagine, but when she really thought about it, it kind of made sense. She really didn't stand to lose anything else by mulling over her options. In fact, she was sure that there wasn't much of anything the world could take from her now that'd make her feel any worse.

That thought alone was comforting.

So instead of being rash and making a decision, Arizona thought about her shitty circumstances a lot over the past week. Even with Callie providing her with space and Mark making sure to duck behind a counter (or just generally avoid her out of fear); Arizona still felt like she's being suffocated by all the pressure.

After all, she does have a fear of confrontation. Just because the situation is a bit more drastic doesn't mean that Arizona should have acted by now. It's actually more of a reason for her to take her time. Because the circumstances are heavier than normal and that just means she has more to lose.

So Arizona hasn't done much of anything, really, except try to avoid all that pressure. She's positive that one of the few things she really knew lately was that she couldn't handle it. The expectations or the demands or the lack of demands, she just wasn't ready to face it. Just because there wasn't anything out there that could make her feel worse didn't mean there wasn't anything out there she couldn't face.

It's kind of cowardly, she knows, but she wasn't without her flaws these days.

She knew what people wanted. Teddy wanted her to get pissed and demand that Callie apologize for her discrepancy. Bailey had suggested that she look calmly at the situation before completely flipping out and beating Mark with a stick—okay, those were Arizona's words, but the point was basically the same—whilst pledging her undying love for Callie. Arizona wasn't even sure how Bailey knew about the whole situation but that woman was practically God at Seattle Grace anyway, so she didn't bother asking.

The point was that Arizona knew what people wanted her to do but none of it tied into what _she_ wanted. As good as anger and bitterness and self-pity were, they only get someone so far. The reality of the situation was that Calliope was _pregnant_. It happened to be _Mark's baby _and Mark and Callie _did_ sleep together.

That's not to say that Arizona wasn't angry or hurt by it all. Arizona wasn't even close to cheery that first day. She wasn't uplifted that second. She smoked a whole packet of cigarettes that third day. On the fourth she had resorted to watching Oprah on repeat, and by that fifth day she had turned to three bottles wine. But on that sixth day? That's when it hit her. Time goes on and no matter what you do, you can't change the past.

The grown up thing was to move on, the grown up thing was also not to beat Mark like he was a piñata, but that was neither here nor there. Arizona realized that time doesn't stop for anyone or anything and no amount of moping is going to turn back the clock. Self-pity and resentment weren't going to give her anything but wrinkles and Arizona was convinced she was too pretty for wrinkles.

Everyone seemed so caught up in only providing her two options that they completely bypassed a third. Maybe it wasn't as black and white as Arizona staying with Callie or not. Maybe it wasn't that simple. Maybe Arizona didn't want that baby to exist, but she did want Callie.

It's ridiculous and terribly cliché.

It kind of reminds her of those terrible jokes that her brother would memorize as a teenager. The jokes were always the worst with their predictable punch lines and yet, Arizona couldn't help but giggle each time her brother would say one. Because even though she knew how bad they were, they still ended up being the highlight of her day.

Callie isn't the highlight of her day but she is the highlight of her life. The only thing she really concluded over the past week was that she was still in love with Calliope. Whether that was good or bad, she wasn't entirely sure. The thing is though that she kind of feels like the hugest hypocrite. A week ago she was so willing to fight to the end for Callie and now all Arizona does is pretend to be the happy person she wishes she was. She's not really doing a good job if the dark circles under her eyes were any indication.

It's the stupidest thing because Arizona does feel betrayed, she's incredibly hurt and she's incredibly pissed. She's annoyed because she wasn't ready for kids, it isn't what she wanted at this moment in her life and when she did want them, she most certainly didn't imagine Mark to be any part of it. But even with all of those emotions burying themselves inside of her and making her feel a little less empty, she still doesn't feel quite whole. It's the weirdest thing to explain but she can't help but miss Callie.

A week felt like too little time and too much time all at once.

She knew she couldn't keep up like this, pretending to be happy when she so obviously wasn't. Even if nobody agreed, Callie didn't deserve this silent treatment and neither did Arizona. Nobody deserved to be without an answer or even an explanation and even though Callie had forgotten to give her one, Arizona couldn't do the same.

She had thought about it long and hard over the past week and had decided that ignoring Callie and Mark wouldn't make the situation go away. Harping in on her anger wouldn't make the situation any better and hurting Callie would only hurt herself, so she was really shit out of luck on this one. She didn't have many options worth considering these days. It was like she was on a raft in the middle of the ocean and her body was just getting worse with each day. She needed to find a way back to land but the only choices she had were the raft she was on or the water that surrounded her. Neither choice offered a better end result over the other. In the end, Arizona would either die of dehydration or die of hyperthermia.

The only thing she could do was hope to find an oar soon.

-

Arizona sighed as she slid the key into the door. It had been an extremely long day at work. Not just emotionally or physically, but it had literally felt long. Maybe it had to do with the fact that every time her gaze would wander, she'd catch Callie staring at her from afar with those wounded eyes. It just wasn't fair for Callie to look at her like that, like she was absolutely destroyed over everything. It wasn't fair of Callie to do that to her because Arizona was destroyed over everything and Callie had no right to try and take that feeling from her too.

She turned her key to the left and groaned when she felt the lock stick. Those damn tenants that Callie had let sublet somehow managed to break a perfectly good lock. Now whenever she put the key in she had to spend a good five minutes trying to make the door open, it was utterly ridiculous. But that just seemed to be Arizona's life lately.

Arizona twisted the knob and wiggled the key, trying to get the door to budge at least a little. After a lot of struggle and no shift in the door, Arizona kicked it.

"Damn it!" Arizona exclaimed when the door still refused to shift. She kicked the door a few more times out of aggravation before dropping to the floor with her head in her hands.

What an absolutely terrible day. And that's coming from the girl who generally liked to pretend like the world was covered in sparkles and happiness.

"I'm pretty sure you have the wrong door."

Arizona jerked her head out of her hands to meet the eyes of her fellow hall dweller. Turns out her day could get a whole lot worse.

"Calliope."

Callie nodded softly and looked behind her quickly before stepping out of her apartment and into the hallway.

"I heard the-well, I heard the banging. And I just wanted…I'm glad you're okay, Arizona."

Arizona stared at Callie for a few minutes. "I'm not okay."

"I know."

Forgiveness.

_To renounce anger or resentment against. ___

Arizona watched as Callie shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the next. After a few more minutes of silence, Callie shut Mark's apartment door and sat down directly across from her. Arizona watched as Callie placed her hands over her belly. Callie was wearing her lazy day grey sweatpants and a Columbia sweater that she had bought at a yard sale. Her hair was slightly messy from a long days work and she barely had on any makeup.

She was beautiful.

Patience.

_Bearing or enduring pain, difficulty, provocation, or annoyance with calmness. __  
_  
Arizona didn't feel like talking for once, which was strangely different for her. She was sometimes that person who liked to fill awkward silences with words because they made her feel better than the silence. This wasn't one of those instances.

Callie fidgeted as she tried to find a comfortable way to sit. "I think we should talk."

"You're going to keep it, aren't you?"

The way Callie's hands tightened defensively around her stomach was enough confirmation for Arizona.

Callie sighed. "I'm really sorry, Arizona."

"You slept with Mark," Arizona stated flatly. She didn't want to skirt around the issue, she didn't want to make pleasantries. Arizona wanted to say what she'd been thinking about all week.

"You left me for Africa."

Arizona couldn't help but inhale sharply. The way Callie said it was just so cold and harsh that Arizona hadn't been expecting it and that just made it hurt more.

"No," Arizona started slowly. "I left Africa for you. Are you already going to forgive me for that?"

"Are you ever going to forgive me?" Callie countered quickly.

Arizona sighed as tears started to prick the corner of her eyes. "I already have."

The sad part was that it was true. Arizona had decided days ago that all that hate and anger wasn't worth it. She had enough of trying to decide to whether or not she could forgive Callie when she knew deep down in her heart that she already had.

Callie wiped away a few tears that had decided to escape out of her eyes and looked up at the ceiling. Callie hadn't expected to hear those words from Arizona's mouth any time soon and hearing them just made her feel all the more worse.

"Do you think you could ever love me again?" Callie mumbled quickly.

Arizona shook her head. It had been a long week. Her life had completely been pulled out from underneath her and she had questioned everything about herself this past week. But the one thing she was always sure she knew was that she loved Callie, that she still loved Callie.

Maybe it was stupid to continue to love someone after they made such a huge mistake. But Arizona liked to think that Callie was worth it. She was always worth it. And when Arizona looked at the whole situation, she could see how she wouldn't have much of a right to be mad. She and Callie were broken up, she did leave Callie in an airport and she did refuse any contact with Callie for weeks. As far as Callie knew the relationship was over and she turned to someone who had always made her feel better. It was a series of unfortunate circumstances.

That's not to say that she's condoning it. Really, Callie could have chosen a better candidate to sleep with. The fact of the matter was that Callie did sleep with someone else while they were "broken up" and Arizona was still mad. Callie didn't have to choose someone that she knew Arizona was slightly jealous of. She didn't have to even sleep with a man, or anyone for that matter. But she did and Arizona can't make that moment in time disappear. And she can't keep pretending like it didn't happen because it did.

She was still trying to process it all. But nowhere in all that processing did she ever once have to second guess her love for Callie. Because that's the only thing that didn't change.

Arizona bit her lip. "I never stopped."

Callie looked at Arizona and tried to smile through the tears, but she just ended up looking like she was grimacing from the pain. Callie sniffled and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "What now?"

Hope.

_To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment._

Arizona sighed and stood up. "Right now, I go into my apartment and cook myself something edible that isn't coffee or crack."

Callie nodded and stood up too.

"Yeah, that makes sense."

Callie started to move back towards Mark's apartment. Arizona glanced over at Callie nervously and sighed again. She honestly didn't have much of a choice these days because the choice was only there if she considered a life without Callie to be worth it.

She didn't.

"You can join me if you want," Arizona mumbled as calmly as she could manage.

Callie smiled softly and turned away from Mark's door. "I would love to."

Yes, Arizona Robbins didn't know much these days, but she liked to think that she was learning.


End file.
